Embracing Tears: Why Crying Is a Vital Path to Resilience
Article by Karola Marais, Sleep Coach at thesleep.co
Reference: The Train Analogy That Will Change How You See Your Crying Child ( Katie M. McLaughlin, retrieved from http://pickanytwo.net/the-train-analogy-that-will-change-how-you-see-your-crying-child/ )
In the pages of most family magazine, we often celebrate sleep routines, bedtime stories, and gentle lullabies. Yet one universal, sometimes challenging, aspect of parenting stands at the heart of healthier sleep and stronger emotional lives: tears. Drawing on a powerful metaphor and a compassionate approach, this article invites families to view crying not as a problem to fix, but as a tunnel through which our children travel toward calm - with us as steady, supportive copilots.
The bedtimes we dread can become the bedtimes we grow from
Imagine your child at the edge of sleep, a prized lovey in hand, and suddenly the world tilts. A missing comfort becomes a tidal wave of anger, fear, and sadness. A four-year-old’s shout can feel like a personal test of patience. It’s in these moments that many parents instinctively reach for distractions, quick fixes, or comforting words meant to shorten the storm. But there is another way - a way that honors your child’s emotional journey and strengthens your family’s resilience in the long run.
The train that takes us home through the emotional tunnel
The train analogy offers a gentle, practical framework: Difficult feelings are tunnels, and we are trains traveling through them. Our job is to move all the way through the tunnel, toward the calm and light waiting on the other side. It sounds simple, but it’s not always easy in the moment, especially when parental worries and our own discomfort are riding alongside us.
What often goes wrong - and why tears feel so hard
Well-meaning parents sometimes try to intercept their child’s emotional journey. We might say, “It’s only one night,” “We’ll get him back tomorrow,” or “You’ll be fine.” While these statements can be true, they’re not always helpful for the child in the moment. More often, they aim to ease our own discomfort rather than to accompany our child through the tunnel. If emotions are tunnels and we are trains, then our job is to keep moving through to the other side, not to abandon the journey or pretend the tunnel isn’t there.
Dancing our child to their tears: The power of presence
A pivotal moment in any bedtime storm is the decision to sit with your child, to be present as the tears flow, and to let the emotions move through them. This is what psychologists Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate describe as “dancing your child to their tears” - standing alongside the child’s experience, offering comfort without judgment, and guiding them toward the relief that follows.
How to support your child through the tunnel
Stay by their side: Sit with your child and give them your presence. Gentle back rubs, handholding, or simply quiet companionship can be enough to help them feel secure.
Resist the urge to rush the process: Do not interrupt the tunnel with premature reassurance or logic. Allow the wave of emotions to run its course.
Normalize the experience: Crying is a natural and healthy part of processing feelings. Your calm presence helps them trust that relief will come.
Offer a plan for afterward: Once the tears begin to wane, gently shift toward a soothing routine or a shared activity (a couple of extra bedtime books, a short chat, a comforting hug) to signal the transition toward sleep.
Build resilience through practice: Each time your child works through a difficult moment, they gain the confidence that they can navigate tough feelings and still reach a safe, calm place.
A real-life example: Learning to travel the tunnel together
In a memorable bedtime moment, a parent sat quietly beside a distressed child, letting the anger and sadness unfold without interruption. Tears flowed, waves shifted, and eventually the child found a nearby world-record-holding dog book to quietly explore - an entirely normal pivot after the emotional work was done. The parent later asked the child if he wanted to make a plan for the night, and the child independently chose two stuffed animals to sleep with and asked for two extra books. By waiting for the tunnel to pass, the family built resilience rather than conceding to fear or rushing to “fix” the night. The child later voiced, “I’m going to be OK tonight.” That moment is resilience in action.
What tears teach us about parenting - and about sleep
Tears signal progress, not failure: They show that your child is traveling through the tunnel, not stuck at the entrance.
Your job as a parent is to comfort through frustration, draw out cleansing tears, and support the journey - not to erase the emotion as quickly as possible.
Natural, patient presence helps children learn to regulate themselves: When you rub their back, stay quiet, and accompany them, you model emotional self-regulation.
Resilience is born in the wake of tears: It’s in the quiet after the storm, when a plan can emerge and sleep can return.
Tears are a must on the path to peaceful nights
Remember: The job of a parent is not to halt crying at the earliest moment, but to provide comfort through the frustration, to accompany the tears, and to help your child journey through the emotional tunnel to a calmer light at the end. Tears are not a failure of parenting; they are a sign of parental success - the mark that you stood by your child, honored their experience, and guided them toward resilience.
So the next time your child’s emotions surge at bedtime, rub their back, join them in the quiet, and stay with them until the tunnel closes and the room fills with calm. Tears are a must - because through them, our children learn to sleep with confidence, and our family sleeps a little more peacefully, night after night.
If you’d like more practical tips on bedtime routines, emotional coaching, and sleep harmony, visit www.thesleepco.co.za for resources and guidance from a dedicated sleep coach who understands the art of gentle parenting.