Why Following Instincts and Attachment Matters for Our Kids
Written by sleep coach Karola Marais, who is currently studying the Baby-Led Sleep approach, this article explores why trusting our instincts and prioritizing healthy attachment are essential for our children’s development and well-being.
Attachment is an instinct and emotion pre-programmed in every human being to pursue and hold onto the people who represent contact and closeness. Children are not only moved to be near us; they want to preserve that connection. Sleep and attachment are deeply connected: sleep is important, and so is attachment, and naturally they are related. From this perspective, attachment is the science of human relationships, grounded in developmental science, neuroscience, and cultural wisdom. It binds us to the people who care for us, and without that tether, caregiving becomes profoundly difficult. As one expert notes, attachment is the glue that holds us to those we depend on, because our caretaking needs are so high; you simply cannot care for a child who is not attached to you.
Attachment is also what makes our children endearing and tolerable to us. Even seemingly small things—like the way we relate to our child—shape how we respond and guide them. When we say, “That child isn’t listening to me,” often what we’re really talking about is the quality of the relationship.
The six roots of attachment describe a developmental sequence through which a relationship unfolds. Every human being carries all six roots, as outlined in Gordon Neufeld’s work, and they typically appear in order:
1) Senses (birth to about one year): The child attaches through touch, taste, smell, sight, and hearing. Soothing inputs—lullabies, gentle touch, familiar scents—help lock the child into their caregiver.
2) Sameness (around year 1–2): The child begins to imitate and align with those they are attached to, shaping their emerging identity through likeness.
3) Belonging and Loyalty (around year 3): The child becomes territorial and deeply wants what is “theirs.” Will and autonomy emerge, making guided obedience and trust essential.
4) Significance (around year 4): The child wants to be seen and valued; their eagerness to draw attention to themselves is a sign of a healthy attachment, provided it remains about who they are, not what they do. Caregivers should acknowledge and celebrate their child’s efforts without turning love into performance.
5) Heartfelt Commitment (around year 5): The child offers their heart to their closest attachments, signaling deepening closeness and long-term attachment.
6) Knowing and Disclosure (around year 6): The child can share worries, secrets, and inner thoughts, signaling readiness for mature communication and resilience.
These roots create a psychological “womb on the outside”—a framework within which a child grows toward healthy, autonomous adulthood. The aim is for children to have at least one solid relationship that supports them through life’s challenges and helps shape their ability to form close, secure relationships later on.
What if someone didn’t experience this kind of attachment growing up? There are two important takeaways. First, there can be grief for lost depths of connection, but healing is possible. Second, because humans are creatures of attachment, that longing may be redirected toward other sources—spiritual beliefs, pets, mentors, grandparents, or even a single trusted caregiver. The key is maintaining one strong, reliable attachment that keeps the heart soft and open to emotional growth. Importantly, the risk today is peer orientation: when children anchor their attachment to peers rather than to caring adults, adults can lose influence, and values may drift. In such cases, the goal is to preserve and strengthen the adult attachments that guide and support the child’s development.
Parenting, at its core, is an instinctive vocation rather than simply something learned from one’s own parents. The instinct to protect and care for a child—the attachment instinct—emerges with a weighty sense of responsibility: “This is mine. This isn’t a test run. It’s not just about me anymore.” This inner pull toward caregiving is a natural, hardwired driver that propels adults into maturational growth and compassionate action. As examples of attachment in action, consider a child caring for a vulnerable creature or a stranger offering help to another—these acts illustrate the depth of attachment instinct in everyday life.
The practical implications for sleep, attachment, and family life are clear. Prioritize responsive caregiving at night, attending to cues with sensitivity rather than enforcing strict rigidity that can undermine security. Nurture the six roots of attachment through everyday interactions: soothing touch, shared routines, and verbal acknowledgment of effort and progress help build a secure base. Guard against over-reliance on peers for guidance by maintaining a central role for caring adults who model values and provide steady support. And above all, embrace the instinct to care—let that innate drive guide your responses, shaping a secure, loving environment for your child to thrive.