Time outs are one of the most common forms of discipline used today. But what exactly is a time-out, and how can we use them effectively?
A "time out" is a punishment that involves isolating a child from other people. A child who misbehaves is sent to a boring room or corner, where they are left alone to think about and reflect on their behavior. The idea behind time outs is that the child will learn to behave appropriately by experiencing the negative consequences of their actions.
The problem with this approach is that it doesn't work. Time outs don't improve behavior; instead, they teach children that when they have big feelings and feel out of control, they are not worthy of connection or being around others. And as adults, we know that we're all worthy of connection—even when we make mistakes.
Children who experience time-outs often feel guilty and ashamed for misbehaving, which leads to them feeling disconnected from their families. They may also develop problems with self-soothing and regulating their emotions because they are not allowed to practice these skills in a safe environment with loving adults who can help them learn how to manage their feelings in healthy ways. The whole point of time-outs is to calm down a child so that you can connect with them and help them get back on track. But when you use a punishment like this, you're sending the message that your kid isn't worthy of being around others until they learn how to behave better.
It's not just about bad behavior—it's about teaching kids that their emotions are not acceptable. The truth is that our children are going to have big feelings sometimes and they're going to be occasionally overwhelmed by these feelings. We can't expect them to always be able to manage them well right away. We need to teach them that those feelings are okay and that it's okay for them to be upset or frustrated or angry—and then give them tools for managing their emotions in socially acceptable ways.
So, what should you do instead? Instead of using time outs as punishment for bad behavior (or even good behavior), try using them as an opportunity for connection. If your child needs to get regulated again, go with them into the time out space and hold them if they will allow you to.
When your child misbehaves, take some time after their action has passed to sit with them and reflect so that they feel safe and supported in our presence again. This moment of connection is a great time to offer your child some ideas of alternative behaviors they could implement in the future.